As a person who has travelled to different parts of the world, I did get a chance to experience massage at different places. But today's experience at an ayurvedic massage center at Hyderabad, has to rank as one of the funniest ones ever.
In case the mention of massage conjures in you a calm, peaceful atmosphere that would facilitate relaxation, then you would do well to refrain from patronizing the place that I alluded to above. For by doing so, you would disillusion yourself from all your preconceived notions about massage and also in the process add to it an element of humor. And when I say that this experience was funny, you better believe it - it was rip-roaringly funny. So let me see if my pen is sufficient to capture the humor in this experience.
I went to this place at Jubilee Hills. It was located in a rented house. The owner bade me to be seated and charged me for the massage upfront. That was kinda strange but I figured that since it was late, the guy just wanted to leave. So he pocketed the loot upfront. Anyways, in a few minutes, two guys (my would be masseurs) came in and motioned me to go in. They did not "look" very professional - whatever the hell it means. Somehow I was not expecting this. Anyways, since the owner had already taken my money I thought I might as well get through with this. Besides, this may turn into an experience that is not so bad. Right? Wrong. So to continue, my masseurs escorted me to an inner room.
This room had a couple of low wattage bulbs and a bright fluorescent tube light. I initially thought that there should be some internal sanctum where these guys would do the deed, but the presence of a large formidable massage table in the typical keralite style right at the center of this brightly lit room, belied my belief. So I go in and was asked to strip right IN FRONT of these two guys who made no attempt to look the other way. In fact, they offered to help me tie the "loin cloth" to cover my crotch. The loin cloth, for the non cognoscenti, is a traditional Indian equivalent of a bikini bottom. I guess, it does its job pretty well. But I was just a tad conscious. Besides, it was not really very comfortable having these two ogling urchins at the back of me and inspecting my every move. But be that as it may, I did what I was expected to do and before I can say "hello" I was all stripped except for the loin cloth which was trying its best to protect me. I felt like a performing artist in a brightly lit auditorium!
In a feeble attempt at protecting my chastity, I did ask the two to at least be gracious enough to give me a towel. They readily acceded to the request and handed me a white handloom towel that was more like a napkin. It was probably all of half a feet long! Anyways, I wound it around my frame and proceeded to the massage table where I was directed to goto. But any relief that I had was short lived since the two seized the towel unceremoniously and cast it aside stating that it would be in the way. Then they proceeded to rub oil on my face and head after which I could not even open my eyes. So, here I was in a brightly lit room, with two guys whom I would hesitate to meet down a dark alley, totally naked save for an inadequate loin cloth, with my eyes blinded by oil (and later tears since I was uproarious with laughter visualizing myself) and lying face up. The humor of the situation was so poignant that all effort at suppressing my mirth was futile. And to add insult to injury, my masseurs also seemed to notice the comedy in the situation. So all the three of us were guffawing in the most crazy manner without any thought about the imminent massage. It did accentuate the imagery of the performing artist in a brightly lit auditorium that I initially had. It looks like I really have an appreciative audience to boot!
But all good things must come to an end. So once my spectators were satisfied that the last drop of humor has been extracted out of the situation, their laughter subsided slowly into intermittent chuckles and finally culminated in their grinning at me (though I could hardly notice their grin with all the tears in my eyes). So, now they started their massage. My wife always is under the impression that I do not have too many ticklish spots on my body. But these two guys managed to prove her wrong in the most outstanding way possible. Either their ministrations have made me extra sensitive or more probably I just about lost it. It looked as if the laughter dam has burst today and all the bottled up laughter started bubbling out with great gusto. There was hardly a single minute when I did not bellow with uncontrollable mirth.
As the massage(sic) wound its way to the end, I was not experiencing any lightening of my pressure points but I did experience a stress relief with all this laughter. So much so that I did generously tip my therapists before leaving the place. It might not have been the therapy I expected but it did do its job!
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